Vulnerable and transparent

Being vulnerable and being transparent are characteristics that may not seem appropriate in ministry. After all we are held to a higher standard/expectation. The trouble is that I am still human, still learning, still questioning, still making mistakes. I am vulnerable as I learn how to be a pastor, and I am transparent because that is just who I am.

So part of my struggle has been with bringing 'what I think I am supposed to be' to terms with 'what I really am.' You know what? I am finding trying to be something I am not frustrating and depressing. Fighting that fight is emotionally dangerous; I find myself questioning more, disliking who I am, weary and to the point of saying "why care?"

But I do care. And I am who I am. And I will be comfortable with who I am. And that means there will be times that I am very vulnerable and that I am too transparent. So what? In 100 years when I am gone will anyone remember me or what I did? No. So let me be true to myself, let me learn as I go along, let me enjoy the learning and not view anything as failure but all as opportunity. Let me in the long view have done all that I was called to do by God, and be content with the knowledge that while I may not be successful in the eyes of the business world, that world from which I came, I am successful in the eyes of my Lord and Savior. Let me grow in relationship with God and let me introduce others to God so they too may grow in relationship. Let me remember that it is not ever about me, that I am not responsible for choices others make, that I can walk with others by sharing prayer and experiences and the journey together.

Perhaps the best I can ever do is journey along, visit with those who I come into contact on that journey, share experiences and worship together. I will not necessarily lead, I follow many others and at the same time many others follow me. The fact that others may be behind me on this journey does not mean that I am somehow better, only that I have walked a little further on the journey, and I am not as far along on the journey as others.


Let the guilt pass by me, let the feelings of failure pass by, let the busyiness of life pass by. Allow me to walk on the path, impact some and let others impact me, and be content where I am currently and in the knowledge of where I am going.